By Ms. Sasha
Wouldn’t it be easy if we could just swipe left on the person after finding out they are the wrong one? Well, dating, as we know, is a little more complex. There are feelings involved.
Since romantic relationships touch the soul so deeply, God wants to help us be successful in them.
In this article, we'll discuss 4 Christian Dating Rules for building healthy romantic relationships. They are:
- Look out for underlying motives.
- Remember to keep marriage in mind.
- Consider what love actually looks like.
- Aim to establish sexual purity.
1. Uncovering Underlying Motives
God sees you as a valuable person. Because your soul is important to him, he wants you to spend your time wisely. That’s why he tells us to ‘make the most of every opportunity.’ This includes the time we spend in dating relationships.
To be successful in that endeavor, we have to first ensure we’re not wasting time getting to know the wrong person. Dating the wrong person can be a soul-wrenching experience.
As a Christian, you want to have a clear goal in mind while you are dating. In other words; don’t date someone who you shouldn’t marry.
Here are some of the most frequent behaviors to look out for that may qualify as a red flag:
- always wanting to “watch Netflix and chill” instead of going out
- love-bombing, or giving too much adoration before truly knowing a person (ie. “You’re the best man/woman I’ve ever met,” but it’s still the first week)
- a habit of gaslighting; repainting a story or twisting verbiage in their favor in a way that causes the other person to second guess
- a fresh history of physical abuse in past relationships
- excessive debt without a working resolution
Praying for the ability to recognize these red flags early can help you determine the intention of the relationship. If you discover that your potential partner is mainly seeking to have a series of rendezvous, someone new for a relationship they can control, or someone they can depend on for money, it is likely that their intention is something other than marriage…or a healthy one anyway.
“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. (Ephesians 5:15-17 NIV )
2. Dating With Marriage In Mind
Back to marriage talk.
Before you take Noah out of the friend zone, ask yourself and ask God if he’s someone you could marry one day. Then, ask yourself if he views you in the same light.
I remember dating a guy in my early adulthood, and every three months or so, I would ask God if he was “the one.” Each time, God quickly answered, “No.” Straightforward, right? Well, I kept dating him for a year after that until we eventually figured out we were wasting each other’s time.
Ooops.
After that lesson, I spent some years building and exploring a relationship with God. I learned so much about myself and learned what to expect from a mate through God’s amazing love for me. In that time, God was also developing me. Six years later, I married the man of my dreams. God is good.
Early in relationships, it may be difficult to determine whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with a person. You need to get to know them first. Further, you don’t want to scare the other person away on your first date with “The Question.”
However, marriage should come up eventually as the relationship progresses. In the meanwhile, here are some clear signals that will tell you the other person is NOT marriage friendly:
- The person strings you along, ghosts you, or has many other “friends”
- The person is already married
- The person wants to invite others in romantically and/or use porn in your relationship
These important signals should not be ignored.
In Christian dating, neither of you will be perfect. All of us are a work in progress. However, both parties should strive to honor God by wanting the best for their potential life partner. This includes flashing those character gems like honesty, integrity, and investing an appropriate amount of energy into each other.
There is indeed a third party that needs to be involved, but that third party is The Holy Spirit.
Getting clarity on these issues is best before proceeding any further in a Christian dating relationship.
3. Defining What Love Looks Like
It’s no secret that love is central to our Christian walk. Jesus’ sacrifce for our sins was the ultimate demostration of love. But did you know that God’s entire law and all of the commandments can be summed up by loving God and loving others?
Let’s take a look at what the Bible says about love.
Loving God
Sometimes, when we think about a significant other, we dream of a mate we can love so deeply, it hurts. However, God doesn’t want us to look for that. He wants us to love Him with all of our hearts, souls, mind, and strength. (Mark 12:30 NIV)
When we honor God, we think of him first, giving him our time, thoughts, and obedience. Doing this demonstrates our intense love for him.
Wait. Does this mean we shouldn’t love or feel any butterflies for our significant other? No. It just means that we should be putting God first.
When we do this it helps us to put life in perspective. Before we met the person who gave us butterflies, there was God. We will need Him during the ups and downs of our relationships, and He’s the one we’ll be spending our eternity with.
“God first,” makes sense.
Loving Others
Then, God wants us to love others as we love ourselves. (Mark 12:31 NIV) We can look at this word “as” in two ways.
We can love others while we are practicing self-love,
Or
We can love others in the ways that we love ourselves.
I believe that loving others calls for both connotations of “as.” If we are consumed with self-love, and not spending enough time with the person we’re dating, then we are not being sacrificial. Love is always sacrificial.
The same is true in the latter meaning of “as” we love ourselves. Many of the same ways we like to love ourselves (ie. Eating a tasty meal), are ways that we should love others. For example, if Chris and Hannah are enjoying dinner out, and Hannah’s food was served, but Chris’ gets severely delayed, it would be loving for Hannah to let Chris have a few bites, right? That would be good!
That was a fun example, but in it, you can clearly see that love is no longer an “it’s about me” attitude; it’s sacrificial, unselfish, and considerate.
“[Love] does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV) Love is the most important standard in dating. We should love God and treat each other with respect, compassion, and dignity.
4. Establishing Sexual Purity in Dating
Run away from sexual immorality [in any form, whether thought or behavior, whether visual or written]. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the one who is sexually immoral sins against his own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18 AMP)
Hmmm. This can be a toughy. It’s tough, because sometimes, we are unsure if we can live up to this standard!
To have success in this area, there’s some personal work we have to do as individuals in addition to maintaining sexual integrity in dating – a stewarding of our own souls.
We can’t expect to watch hypersexual shows, read romance novels, and then expect to approach a relationship like Paul with the “mind of Christ.” Nope, we’ll have plant the right seeds in our souls if we want to be successful in celibacy. This includes frequent prayer and growing our faith by reading the Bible regularly and attending a church that teaches God’s Word. And if we find ourselves in a comprimising situation, it includes making a mad dash!
So you see, there are steps we can take that will help us to obey God’s will to wait while we’re dating. “With God, all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26 NIV) Waiting for marriage to explore sex is something we can be successful in.
In addition to your individual work, there are some things you can do as a couple that will help you to be successful.
When my husband and I dated (for four years), there were some rules we agreed on to help us stay on the path of sexual integrity.
- We decided not to hang out after midnight (or when one of us got sleepy).
- We chose not to engage in intimate touching.
- We avoided spending time in each other’s bedrooms while we were visiting each other’s homes.
Instead of focusing on physical intimacy, we spent time enjoying other aspects of our relationship: such as friendship, a gem that has outlasted the test of time.
If you think you are ready to dive into Christian dating after reading this, that is awesome!
Don’t let society or your previous experiences shade your dreams. God has the right man or woman for you and will bring them into your life as you continue to seek him. In the meantime, continue to pursue the life God has for you, and make your contribution in the Kingdom. That is the best way to be whole and healthy before beginning any relationship.
To read more about joining Jesus’ mission and your purpose, check out the article Unwrapping Your Purpose.